Blowing up or Blowing off steam

There is a fine line for me between losing my cool and yelling at someone and walking away and going to do something more constructive. So is the case sometimes when dealing with family. With family (even very close friend's family), all bets are off and the rule book is set sailing through the window.

Today was just a very trying day. In attempting to regain the faith I had as a kid, I find there are days I am totally at my wits end grasping at straws praying for the inner peace to keep my bearing. I had a final that was just exhausting to me. I wasn't as prepared as I would have wanted to be, and for whatever reason...I got the test in front of me and I had a panic attack. Full on chest locking up, can't breathe, pain in my side, panic attack. Lasted the first fifteen minutes of the exam, and didn't help alleviate any stress that's for sure. I made it through. I hope.

I got home to see Mike and I get to hear his argument with his mother over gas money. $60 yesterday is supposed to make it to Tallahassee and back to Jacksonville with three days of class and HaganaH. Did I mention Mike drives a truck? What do gas prices look like? Oh right, not a freaking chance $60 will cover much.

I really don't like to rant and feel this emotional and angry, but sometimes it just comes up when I feel my hands are tied and I can't/shouldn't say anything because it's not my place. I just wish Mike had the ability to stand up for himself and stop getting walked on. One of my pet peeves is watching people close to me have to just suck it up, and I am usually liable to say something and defend them.

I really just can't wait to be back in Jacksonville this weekend. This time it will be for good. Thank God. I need the break and to be back home with friends and family. It may sound stupid, but I need that ability to have other places to go. More friends to visit, more to do, hopefully a job to go to, streets I know, places to 'hide out' when I need to cool off, etc.

3 More days...

Almost There

As of this next Thursday, I will have my AA from FSU and i just found out yesterday I was accepted to UNF for fall as a psych major. I know, seems dumb to go to Tallahassee to FSU to turn around and come back to Jacksonville, but I really miss Jacksonville, and any job offers I have had have all been from Jacksonville. Kind of a no-brainer, especially with all the CRHP/Church friends/family I now have (& Mike has too).

But to get to next Thursday, I have to get through 4 finals and one of which is an American Lit exam. I never feel prepared in that class (perhaps because it's for Lit majors, and I'm in crim..moving to psych..but still). While I'm totally stressing over exams, I really love Easter weekend, always have. Tonight, ironically, will be my first Easter Vigil mass, but I've heard it's beautiful and I can't wait.

There's a ton more going on (as usual in my family), but I'm not letting it get to me. Or at least, I'm trying not to let it get to me. Can't have new outcomes if you never try to change your approach, right? So, here's a video of a song that is playing a part in changing how I look at things. (0:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LartL77Nuqs&feature=related